Stress or .... ?

I can't seem to be able to control my emotions very well. I'm not sure if it's due to stress, exhaustion, lack of sleep or I'm merely losing it.

I get very agitated and emotional at work over trivial matters and reflecting after I couldn't tell why I reacted in such a manner. I've never been this way prior.

The little guy have been falling sick way too often, aug to oct he has gotten Roseola, influenza A and even hfmd. Ain't  I a lucky mummy? With him constantly ill I had to take time off work and be his primary caregiver and that nearly drove me up the wall daily. 

I'm not sure if it was pure exhaustion that I constantly imagine hurting him by smashing him against the wall so he could just give me a moment of peace or was it something else.

I'm seriously doubting myself if am able to restrain causing him any harm. That's my biggest fear.

Lost interest

Off late I've been thinking again and again about ending it all. Many times I had contemplated on overdosing, fall of the river or the best way to cut myself. At lunch I sat by the river again unknowingly sobbing the entire hour and starring at the murky water. When I nearly fell and I felt the rush of adrenalin passes thru me and something in the wind telling me it's time.

I've lost the interest to work, to eat or to socialise and have been avoiding phone calls and texts which is so unlike me. The only thing that makes me tick is the 2 year old.

Am I going thru another round of D. Please... I don't need it..

Good day ends bad

Work calms me and being in a position of power makes me feel important and useful.

I nearly lost control of the situation when i caved into the persuasion.

I hate feeling weak or appearing weak in front of others. I thrive on excellence and expect that of others but today I was so weak I was angry at letting myself go.

The afternoon ordeal was too much for me. I was afraid and being left alone in the cold room agitated my mental state. So many thoughts went thru my mind but I had to appear calm and collected but it seems he picked up on my anxiety. The shouts and screams from the next room made me nervous and my chest literally feels that it's going to explode.

I was relieved to leave and I left fast without looking back. When the night approaches, I was pretty anxious but I managed to sleep by 9pm but the night has much to offer. The nightmares of what i went thru earlier began and I kept waking up screaming and I had to calm down so as not to wake bb.

I needed to keep busy, I needed the serenity of my desk thus I decided that I need to leave for work when the morning approaches.

Emotional baggage is getting to me ?

Recently, I'm not entirely sure if its God's plan for me to witness death that's too close to heart to open my eyes and heart to him.

In Nov 2011, I lost 2 of my dear family members. 1 is my own mum, just 2 months after the birth of my son and the other was my paternal grandpa.

Mum passed on in her sleep after 3 different strokes. I felt relief that her agony ended. The last stroke which she had left her totally bedridden unable to feed, turn or do anything without anyone's assistance. If I was her I probably didn't have the will to live in that state for so long. I remembered the day she first had stroke in 1994, I was only 15. Despite the turmoil at home I did well in my studies and she was very proud of me when I finished my bachelors and masters despite the change of path. So when she passed on, I was happy for her that's she going to a better place. I didn't grief probably I was too preoccupied with my barely 2 month old son who needed me. I kept myself busy caring for him the entire time when my family was grieving.

I didn't grief too at the passing of my grandpa as I accepted his passing due to old age. I saw my brother cried terribly at the passing of 2 of my family members but I didn't shed a tear probably accepting the fact that they are returning to God.

In Sep 2012, a good friend of mine passed on suddenly while on a holiday in Europe. Her death brought me a lot of pain and emotional unsteadiness. The news came while I was in a meeting with a senior director of a client organization and I broke there and then. The grief was too much cause I imagined that if it had been me what would happen to my son and husband. She left a 9 month old daughter who will never know her mum that strike me cold. It was simply unacceptable as her last post in Facebook was enjoying a pretzel in Germany, what crazy thing happened!

In Dec 2012, the tower of my strength collapsed and my hope and faith collapsed along with it. Dad was diagnosed with kidney failure and his kidney only have less than 5% function. He refused dialysis as we'll not be eligible for any subsidy due to the income ceiling and kept saying please just let nature run its cause and save the money for his grandson instead. $3,500 per month for dialysis is definitely costly but it's something that we have to do so we lied that it's almost free and we manage to get subsidy just so that he would go for dialysis.

2013 started with so much emotional baggage on my shoulder, at times I really needed a break from all the problems and leave them at the door. I must admit my son keeps me physically and mentally active, because of him I get up every morning and because he keeps me busy whenever he's awake he keeps my sanity in check, maybe he's the miracle which was blessed to me to keep me sane.

I'm tired, physically and emotionally tired, I need a break from work to just sit by the beach and read a good book.

Daddy's Turn to crumble :*(

Saturday is normally a day filled with activities for the little fella. Baby was having fun playing at the water play area and I decided to check on my phone. Saw 3 missed call from my dad which was odd as dad seldom calls unless its urgent. Called back no reply and brother was in Dubai for a work trip. Panicking we decided to clean baby up and rushed to the west.

Received a call from uncle and said that Dad doesn't look very good when they visited and he seems very weak and aunt who was a nurse said his vitals were worrying and suggested going to the A&E and the nearest was KTPH and to meet us there.

At this moment I was seriously panicking, dad had always been our tower of strength. He's always the healthy one whereas mum was always the sick one.

On arrival, I couldn't bare to bring myself to look at my dad. He suddenly look so sick and frail unlike his usual energetic strong self. I almost broke down but I kept calm. As our son is only 1yr of age he can't enter the observation ward nor the HDU so hubby and myself had to take turns running to the hospital as brother is still overseas.

On 17 Dec which was my dad's birthday, the dr. informed me that both his kidney had less than 5% function and he urgently needs to start on dialysis and it would be a permanent arrangement. I was crushed and numb. As the only NOK, I had to sign all the procedure papers and he went thru with the first dialysis on his birthday.

Death : My close friend passed 29yrs of age

Sept 2012, Your last Facebook and Instagram post was of a happy occasion, awaiting a plane in Changi bound for Austria to rendezvous with your beloved husband who was on a business trip.

Your last whatsapp was to inform us that you will be longer than expected in Austria and would not make it back for Harris first birthday party. Never would I imagine that was your very last message to me.

Your sudden death hits me with a wave of uncontrollable emotions. You are young, healthy and fit which was totally opposite of me and to know you were bleeding internally suddenly in a foreign hospital many miles away saddens me. So many unanswered questions, one minute you were enjoying in Venice, they next you collapsed and losing too much blood.
I couldn't imagine how your husband felt, he was inconsolable and when we went to your home to help with your 5yr old son and 9 month old daughter I can't contain my tears.

Ven, may you rest in peace. You will be sorely missed and I will help your husband with the kids as long as he needed me.

In memory of Veny Handoko (1982-2012)

Death : My mum's Demise

Harris just had his 2 month old jab and was having fever the whole of yesterday and as new parents we didnt know what to expect so we kept vigil by him checking his temperature every few minutes which left both the hubby and myself  pretty exhausted as we kept sponging and taking baby's temperature the entire night. When his temperature finally stabilized at 4am, I had set my phone on silent and finally went to bed for some rest before going over to our parents place for Eid.

It's the wee morning of Eid, I kept hearing the vibrations of my phone. My first thought was some mission critical system is down and need my urgent attention. What a bummer, that's the issue I have with this job. 24x7 availability including weekends and public holidays.. When I finally looked at my phone, I noticed the calls were from my dad and I saw my brother's whatsapp to call back urgently. In a sleepy daze, I returned the call and was shocked to know that mum had passed In her sleep.

We rushed from the North-East to the west with a not so well 2 month old baby and reached parent's place at 7am. Her body was cold and lying there motionless. I didn't know what to do, I had no experience nor the know how of what to do next.

Called my colleagues, they told me to call a doctor to certify the death as it happen at home and to lodge a police report in order to obtain the death cert so that we can obtain the burial permit before contacting the Muslim funeral service to process the body.

It all happened too fast, as per Muslim law that burial must take place before the next call of prayer should the death happens in the morning. I couldn't process the grief, I was just doing administrative and religious requirements to deal with the matter on hand.

I didn't cry nor shed a single tear unlike my brother. It's not that I didn't feel anything but I thought she probably had gone through enough suffering and it's best for her.

Hubby was shocked that I seem fine and never shed a tear. I never really processed the grief as it's been too busy a day and I was probably tired from the lack of sleep and emotional distress.

This is the 2nd death in family in the last quarter of 2011. Am I numb from the sorrow or ... ?

In loving memory of Nurul Ain

Recently I guess I am just overwhelmed by emotions. Among the happiness during the Hari Raya celebrations, I am reminded of one of my late cousins who was previously very closed to me. She was like a little sister which I never had. She used to attend nursery and kindergarten at Al-Khair Mosque which was near my parents place. At the age of 3 she has always been a frequent guest in our home, where either my brother or myself will fetch her from the nursery. I remembered my whole family really dotes on her, she was an additional joy in our home.

I still remember the red dress she was wearing sitting on my brother's lap when they went to watch wrestling when the WWF was in Singapore years ago but the image appeared to me as if it was just yesterday. The laughter and the joy she brought to the family was really beyond any words that I can describe.

The sadness began when she was 9yrs old, she was in P3 then at Pricess Elizabeth Primary School. She is a very very bright student and it do pains me to recall what happen. There was an inflamation that started to grow underneath her eye, everyone thought that its nothing and just a swell on the eye. The swelling got worse and soon she can hardly see, visits to the doctors began and finally results revealed that the lump under her eye was cancerous. It made everyone at a lost for words. Everyone was very distraught at the thought of a young girl having to surfer through cancer. What wrong had she done ?

The days passed where she had to go through chemotheraphy, hairs dropping but she is a very strong girl. She still wants to continue with school, everything was stabilising and then one day I received a call from my dad, she has passed away. I was completely distraught. I wanted to fly home straight away to see her for one last time but I wouldn't be in time for the burial since in Islam, it is strive to bury the deceased as soon as possible after death, avoiding the need for embalming or otherwise disturbing the body of the deceased. Thanks to the comfort of some friends, I managed to calm down and offer her some prayers remembering that when the Prophet Muhammad's SAW own son died, he said: "The eyes shed tears and the heart is grieved, but we will not say anything except which pleases our Lord." One should strive to be patient, and remember that Allah is the One who gives life and takes it away, at a time appointed by Him. It is not for us to question His wisdom.

I now know that He loves her to have taken her at a young and tender age and in the short time that she is here with us, she has touched the lives of many especially mine. I love you Nurul Ain Bte Mokhtar Kamarudin, may your soul rest in peace and among those loved by Allah SWT.

In Loving Memory of Nurul Ain Bte Mokhtar Kamarudin

Years : 1989 - 2000