Dad's passing

9 years of dialysis and Covid19 took your life. When NTFGH called for us to head down to ICU, I knew you had passed. Passing during Covid times is difficult, I honestly do not know how to react. I just view his cold lifeless body from the outside of the isolation room and collected his personal belongings and waited for the CCOD. No goodbyes, no closure. Burial service was from a distant in PPE. Brother was devastated, I did not shed a tear. Not because I love him any less but I don't know, I just didn't know what to feel. An orphan at 43? Avoidance and not wanting to feel is what I do best. Emotions are for the weak. I am craving medicines that would make me forget, numb me from feeling any emotions please I don't want to deal with this.

Run..

Where can I hide from myself and be numb of emotions. Is this the end of the road for me?

System malfunction

Reached the office at 0800hrs. Started on my scheduled tasks and meetings that lined my calendar to the brim. What's wrong with me? I've been staring at Ms Word for the longest time and stuck on my tender specifications for the longest time at "the tenderer shall ... " 

More and more deadlines are drawing near and yet my brain is drawing a blank ever so often.  I don't think I'm contributing in meetings, probably just providing textbook answers 90% of the time.

Sleep is getting from bad to worse. Can people function with 1hr of sleep ? 

What's with the social withdrawal too. I'm refusing calls, texts even to the stage of not talking to hubs? What's wrong with me!!!

Hiding in the dark, prefer to work with the office door closed or hide in the meeting room in the dark... Am I bat who fear light? Dark calms me..

Mind over matter I can do this..

I am a lousy everything ..

Off late, I've been too agitated and cried whenever he cries, getting too angry at work over the slightest mistake, too emotional with decisions. I felt helpless at times and even went into anxiety attacks. I thought I needed a break from work but I felt worse by myself. I used to be able to immerse myself in literature but my mind is in a mess that I can't even focus to read or even write a simple contract variation.

Nowadays, I feel like such a lousy mother, a lousy wife, a lousy staff, a lousy superior, a lousy everything.

I've been dragging my deliverables as far as it can go and this is so unlike me. My peers kept asking why I'm picking on my food and don't appear to be my cheery self that sometimes I feel ashamed to join them for lunch.

I'm shuttling between novena and city hall on some days of the week, doesn't help that the office overlooks clarke quay. I'm spending way too much time starring into that river, was even intrigued when I saw a body floating last week. 

I've been experiencing chest discomfort, initially I thought I was having a heart attack but it's just frequent anxiety. 

Do I need help? Subconsciously my mind says yes but would it really help or is this a temporary situation. Vexed...

Stress or .... ?

I can't seem to be able to control my emotions very well. I'm not sure if it's due to stress, exhaustion, lack of sleep or I'm merely losing it.

I get very agitated and emotional at work over trivial matters and reflecting after I couldn't tell why I reacted in such a manner. I've never been this way prior.

The little guy have been falling sick way too often, aug to oct he has gotten Roseola, influenza A and even hfmd. Ain't  I a lucky mummy? With him constantly ill I had to take time off work and be his primary caregiver and that nearly drove me up the wall daily. 

I'm not sure if it was pure exhaustion that I constantly imagine hurting him by smashing him against the wall so he could just give me a moment of peace or was it something else.

I'm seriously doubting myself if am able to restrain causing him any harm. That's my biggest fear.

I'm afraid to hurt you..

I'm afraid of hurting my baby. I don't really care if I flipped the car or hurt myself but I'm really afraid that this feeling will consume me while I'm driving to work and sending baby to Childcare that I feel down enough to flip the car. I'm seriously in no state to drive cause I'm driving way too reckless and too fast and purposely refusing to strap on the seatbelt.

Should I seek help? Did I not cope with this the last time without the needing anything. It's mind over matter just get over it. 

Too many issues, at home, at work, the other half.. Maybe I need help to deal with this..

Lost interest

Off late I've been thinking again and again about ending it all. Many times I had contemplated on overdosing, fall of the river or the best way to cut myself. At lunch I sat by the river again unknowingly sobbing the entire hour and starring at the murky water. When I nearly fell and I felt the rush of adrenalin passes thru me and something in the wind telling me it's time.

I've lost the interest to work, to eat or to socialise and have been avoiding phone calls and texts which is so unlike me. The only thing that makes me tick is the 2 year old.

Am I going thru another round of D. Please... I don't need it..

Shocked that cover is blown...

I was shocked when Dr. O questioned if I was previously diagnosed with D. I'm not sure what triggered it or was I exhibiting behaviour that indicated I was D.

I knew NEHR and IHIS will bite me one day and I should have insisted and declined Dr. M when he brought me there cause I knew too well how our data is connected being in this line and implemented many of such systems.

Ever since then, it was tough; cause I had chosen Dr. O to be our family doctor as we moved here and because Dr. M is no longer a practising GP. If I wasn't sick but baby is I would still have to face Dr. O which was tough for me to pull a false front at times so I guess it's for the best he's aware?

Am I fine ?

I'm not entirely sure how to answer when people ask me how I feel. I usually just smiled and cheerfully replied "I'm fine".

In actual fact, I seriously feel very lethargic nowadays. If my boy don't exist I probably won't get out of bed. He's like the alarm clock without a snooze button. He's the reason I drag myself out of bed and to the office because he's child care is near my office and because hubs make me drive him to school, I drive more carefully on the road with him in the car.

Today, my colleague remarked that I'm starting to be antisocial. He mentioned that previously I'm usually the first one out of my cubicle at lunch time and all so eager to suggest lunch venues but now I just hide in my cubicle and turn down lunch invites. He highlighted this have been on-going since last Dec? Gosh haven't notice that, have I really become antisocial ?

On certain days, I feel charged up with adrenalin, I will be ultra efficient and simply smile at everyone and have conversation with my neighbouring colleagues but on days like this I wish I can go hide underneath a blanket. Everything seems to hurt. I'm not sure if i am imagining all this pain. Maybe my system is crashing. Is there a boot disk for MK 1.0?

I don't think I mange stress well. When I was 20, I ingested 16 paracetamol at a go cause I was stressed of my life choice. Seriously dumb move and because my friend called my house, my parents really bang my door ever so loudly and gave me hell but overdose didn't kill me. Haha so I learned.

Am I really ok? I'm seriously starting to doubt myself. One of the guys asked what I had for lunch today. I honestly can't recall but I did left the office for a walk. The office area is seriously depressing, Mt E @ Novena adjacent to the office, TTSH just across the road, Renci diagonally opposite that sometimes I feel worse taking a walk here. I miss working in Outram cause I love the vicinity to Keppel Bay Marina where I love the serene view of the docking yacht.

I need to be at the top of my game. Now... How do I pull myself out of this shipwreck.

Goodbye Dr. M we will miss you.

I prefer to stick to the same doctor once I get myself acquainted with them. Same GP, same gynae, same pd etc. I thrive on consistency.

I was very devastated when I found out that Dr. M is no longer praticing Family Medicine and have decided to move on to Aesthetics. In my humble opinion. A family doctor needs to be friendly and provide genuine care and concern to their patients which he does very well.

Both me and my son will definitely miss his warm personality.

Though I was annoyed he personally drove me to I*H and waited till it was my turn to speak to the MO on my case before he went to the clinic. I knew he meant well and cause he knew me, baby and hubby all too well to let me suffer in silence. I think it's tough to find his replacement.

Now.. We need to look for a nice and friendly family doctor to replace Dr. M.